This new moon and the current energies bring up a lot for me. So, this is a rather emotional reflection, if not to call it my little rant about polarity and polarity teachings.
Life, and other things gave me the chance to touch another layer, underneath…I find myself so deeply longing for a true connection in a relationship with a man, yet it almost seems like the impossible. And looking around me, I know only very few couples whom I find to be inspiring. So many are sitting in compromises because of this or that, the children, money, comfort, fear of being alone. Or they gave up on love altogether and became bitter and cynical…Why, if we all long for connection, for love? Ask anyone, and they will agree that connection, love, respect and trust are basic human needs. We want this and we need this. Mentally we agree about that, in life it often doesn’t show.
For myself I painfully realized that I can’t say ‘I need you’ to a man. I can say this to my friends though. With a man, it brings up the pain of being called too needy, too emotional, codependent, childlike, get over your shit…I can say that I might know where it stems from, my childhood story blabla blabla. But that is just another layer, and underneath… Underneath lies the illusion of being independent and self-reliant, the illusion our society is still living in. Being ‘needy’ is bad, it makes you weak, and others will dominate you, look down on you. As a functional member of this society (yuck) you have got to have your shit together at all times. And this is only one part of the illusion…And the need? Am I really needy, codependent when saying ‘I need you’? I do not want anything from my partner, I don’t want to be rescued, saved, not even being comforted, not patted on the back. When I say ‘I need you’ to a man, what I actually want is to be witnessed fully, to be beheld completely. The other being present with all that is. That is all, and again, with friends I can experience it, why can’t I say it to a man? Or let’s say, when I start to experience it, it brings up fear…
And I wonder how the men feel, if it is difficult for me, I don’t expect it to be less for a man. Can he say, ‘I need you’, and what does it mean for him?
The stereotypes and their influence on us, even if we consider ourselves above it, seeps in, through the collective and the subconscious. A man has got to be at least slightly above the woman, he must be the provider. Strength and masculinity being defined by leading, dominating, alpha-male qualities. Leadership. Femininity is defined by caring and nurturing, soft gentleness. Weakness. A man who shows and expresses his emotions is called weak and feminine. And do you sense the degrading of the feminine in this statement? Why is feeling considered weakness? A woman not being sweet and soft and not doing what is expected of her is called a bitch, and or not feminine enough. And is it that this is just the way things are? There is the undeniable biological difference, yes. Physically, men are stronger, and nothing can change that, and I look with some envy at men in my strength training. I can work out so hard but won’t make up strength wise with even untrained men. Physically, I can build, birth and nurture a child, and that is so fucking powerful. And yet I don’t want to be defined by only this. Yet it does create the difference. The connection to earth, nature is stronger in women, their center of gravity is heavier, a wider pelvis and monthly blood flow and childbirth, it pulls us down to earth. And it has been degraded over centuries, starting with the Bible and the story of creation of Adam and Eve. The sin is woman. And the rational logic upper realms are here to safe us all from this sin.
And then I sense the fear in men too. Their fear of a woman who stands in her power, and of his own power too. So the game of power over continues, as long as both (!) play the rules.
New Age influencers contribute greatly to the continuation (and confusion) in this scenario, and I admit that I had my mind messed with this ideology too. That’s what it is in the end. Just another ideology. No, I don’t want to be lead, I don’t want to have a provider, I don’t want to ‘submit and surrender’ to the masculine. I want connection, and I want to feel myself strong the way I am, with all my emotions and sensing feeling abilities. I want to make money, too, but not in the way of power over power. And I want a partner, I want to meet my partner eye-to eye, power to power, standing rooted in self-worth. Love, loving myself for who I am and loving the other for who he is.
In all our vulnerability, with our mutual need for connection and belonging, to each other and to this planet earth.